Anyone who likes horror movies knows: "there are certain rules that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie." That is according to a doom-fated horror-splaning teenager at a party watching a horror movie in the cult classic Scream. "Never drink or do drugs!" is one of them he lists, to which the party raises their beer cans.
Just as smoking weed in a horror movie is a sure recipe for a death wish, I've conjured you a sure recipe for sin-factor-filled stoner horror to watch this Halloween.
X
I think Kid Cudi as a 70s porn star covering "Fleetwood Mac" just about covers it, but if you really need another selling point and are unfamiliar with the works of Miss Mia Goth, excuse me-what the hell are you doing!? Her iconic two-for-one: X has her throttling in the misfortunes of heroine Maxine Minx, doubling as the psychopathic antagonist Pearl, which doubles as the namesake and muse for my personal favorite period piece, the prequel, the second in the trilogy. Once you start watching Ti-West's era-spanning, titillating slashers, you won't be able to look away from Goth's unrelenting performance.
The series begins with a movie about a movie, an adult film shooting in a swampy region of Texas. Things take a turn for the worst when they frustrate their voyeuristic senior citizen air-b-and-b-before-it-was-air-b-and-b hosts. In a scene following Brittany Snow (that's Bobby-Lynne) and Kid Cudi (that's Jackson Hole to you perverts!) cover of "Landslide," the camera-girl (Jenna Ortega) shares her limelight curiosity, shrugging, "Everyone wants to see tits and ass and a big…." Joint! Obviously! Kids, get your head out of the gutter. Kid Cudi smokes a big fat doobie with ears perked at Ortega's late-night sin-factor confessions.
Friday the 13th pt 3
You may be familiar with serial-killing, hockey-mask-sporting, and old campfire legend Jason Voorhees, but are you familiar with the dimensionality of Friday the 13th pt 3? I'm dead serious. Okay, not really, but with how high these movies have me right now, I might as well be. It's so bad, it's good, part three of Friday the 13th is my absolute favorite of the franchise. I say this, granted, I haven't watched past it, and my brain cells are fried. Still, I stand behind what I say when I say: it brings the camp to the summer camp horror classics. This is all thanks to the producer's overuse of newly discovered 3-D. So, grab that bong and smoke that devil's lettuce to get lifted to another dimension.
Hereditary
Warning, what follows cannabis consumption in this film is incredibly fucked up. But, if you didn't learn anything from the previous cautionary tales, you just might want to load another bowl, take another hit and get hit in the face with it, cause that's Hereditary for you.
Firstly, we love to see Toni Collette become unhinged. Secondly, and no shade to a theater kid, I am one myself, but it's a shame Milly Shapiro stuck to Broadway and hasn't made her horror film return since she might be my favorite creepy, weird girl to ever hit the silver screen. If you like a fucked-up familial horror, ritualistic death cults, satan, and, as Jamie Lee Curtis name-drops in every Halloween interview she's ever done, capital T "TRAUMA," creepy, weird girls- this one's for you.
Terror Train
To expand upon your Halloween obsession or lighten the mood and trauma bond with the scream queen herself, you want to watch Jamie Lee Curtis in the original Terror Train. And believe it or not, she's not the only queen. It's got camp, it's got douche-bag boyfriends (don't they all), it's got med-school humor, cadavers, and the perfect costume party for a killer to hide. Hop aboard for this must-see train wreck!
Prometheus
Alright time to blast…. off…. into space, that is. Forget Headband, we are talking helmet….as in an astronaut hotboxing his helmet. Yes, you heard that right.
If you are into the Aliens franchise and are hungry for an origin story, or if you just dig religious undertones or cerebral sci-fi, it's time to get high and watch Prometheus.
Well, that's it. I'm scared and too stoned and beginning to sound like Phoebe Bridgers. That reminds me….
"Garden Song" By Phoebe Bridgers:
Bridger's music video to Garden Song is a peek into Phoebe Bridger's brain on pot. I cannot recommend this sweet, spooky, stoned little palette-cleansing lullaby enough.
Comments